It has been a crazy month. Literally. I have felt, at times, a bit crazy. I am sure to others, namely my family, I have seemed more than a little crazy. What, you ask, has made me so crazy? The answer is simple, yet so complex. The answer is…. me. For as long as I can remember, I have been my biggest problem. When I was a small child there was so much going on around me that I could not control. The things that happened between my parents, the way that children bullied me so horribly- I could control none of it. I think that somewhere along the way I decided that the only way to protect myself was to do whatever I could do to control what was going on around me. I had no idea that in order to accomplish that I would sacrifice a lot of wonderful things along the way. You see, I have always been so busy trying to control the people, places and things in my life, that I have missed out on so many of the little things that have been gifts along the way. Now, I should clarify, that in no way is this a self-deprecating exercise during which I put myself down for being a few sandwiches short of a picnic. In fact, it is intended to be quite the opposite.
I have come to truly understand in recent days how little control really serves me. I have also come to see more and more how little it serves others around me. The relationship that my sense of control has with my simply divine sense of fear, paralyzes me in a frightening way. It also takes hostages. Usually this includes most frequently, but is not limited to, my family. Isn’t it a ridiculous notion that I fear that horrible things will happen, and so If I control them then surely it will all work out magically? What is even more ridiculous is that I truly believe at times that this is the best solution. The result, however, is exactly that which I am afraid of and attempting to prevent in the first place.
Here’s the good news. If I am the problem, then I can be the solution. This does not mean that I fix the problem. After all it was my fear and control that got me into the mess to begin with. It simply means that I can step aside and let the natural order of things transpire as they will, regardless of my attempt and failure to control them. The results? A Husband who wants to be around me, kids that have a happier mom and are happier as a result, and freedom. Time…. just to enjoy each moment as it comes. Control and Fear no longer serve me. I am finally ready to see what my life might be like without them. Today, I got a small taste of that freedom.
Dare I say, it was better than my Mom’s carrot cake.